A hundred of a different kind!

A hundred articles… That too in one year and a few months! Boy! I have been on a writing spree, haven’t I? Not quite…it’s my job…so didn't even realize when I silently reached a small milestone. I would have loved to reach the glorious 100 with a Henry article tagged as an Editor’s pick with my editors going gaga over it but that’s life for you. I reached there with a completely run-of-the-mill quickly scribbled one. But then again, even Tendulkar got his 100^th against Bangladesh! So am not complaining!!

But did I always want to write? I don’t know. Being blessed with the gift of the gab, TV seemed to be a preferred destination but now after a 100 articles under the jaideep18 username, I might have finally found a way to my destination, if there is one, that is.

It’s been almost 10 times now that I have clicked my own profile in Sportskeeda.com to verify whether it’s actually true. It’s true, it seriously is! The Jobless Jack has finally made something out of himself. A second rate second division cricketer who spent more time spending on the bench now writes analysis pieces on the game itself. May be being on the bench helped! I got a wholesome view of the game, got a better understanding of situations and understood the common mistakes made by my captain (not playing me was the biggest one!).

However, these articles are more than just scribbled words for me. For the readers, it may be the words of wisdom from a pretentious douche who thinks he knows a lot about the game but for me, it’s been a journey towards freedom. Freedom to express those views that went unheard in addas  in the college canteen, freedom to express my love for a game that changed my life and freedom to live a life that’s worth living.

I haven’t earned much money, neither have I attained enormous glory. I haven’t been bestowed with a lot of #Respect (Roadies style!) nor have I proved anyone wrong. None of these even figured in my scheme of plan (if there was one) when this IT guy gave up his 25K per month pay packet. It was just an honest effort to find out whether it was possible to become something that I wanted to become and whether such a world really existed. It was an indomitable urge of an egoistic freak to prove himself right.

They say to gain some, you lose some and I have lost quite a lot. Money, people, time, respect and most painfully, sleep! People normally relate loss to pain and insomnia only increases it by manifolds. But trust me these 100 articles wouldn't have been possible if insomnia wouldn't have stuck to me. Insomnia and a ruined personal life are perhaps the best weapons of a writer. There’s no one to call or text and you’re too scared to go online because that green button beside her name in your chat list can freak the hell out of you. You keep scrolling through your timeline for her last post only to realize that she has “un- friend” –ed you on Facebook and you deleted her pictures in a fit of anger. That’s when you open your word doc and start scribbling and that’s how one day you land up with a 100 articles.

“How can you get an editor’s pick?” – A common question that I face from our writers. I normally reply them with a rude and smart ass “write better” answer but in reality, I really don’t know because I write to satisfy a scarred ego and a sleepless soul that is haunted by a sepia tone montage of his past disasters. I write to silence the voices in my head and to brush aside the memories that spill out every night to laugh at my failures. I write to erase my past and to forget her. I write to bring back the guy who ran hard with the drinks after every over because he believed in his dreams. I write to find the guy who loved to laugh and never faked his smile.

Heavy huh! Fuck it! I write because I get paid, period. That’s me now. I don’t care about the moron who gave up his life like a coward and tried to be a martyr. He was a loser and I am happy that he’s lost in the mist of the weed and has drowned in the litres and litres of alcohol. I loathe him and I look down on him yet these 100 articles somewhere reminds me of him because he had a dream and without that I wouldn't have achieve it! 100 articles isn't a big deal for me but for him, it would have been quite significant. 

As much as I hate him, I think he deserves at least a small toast from me. So, cheers to all those who didn't believe in him!

   

Being Sachin Tendulkar

“You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”After coming across a compilation of facebook /twitter updates mocking at the achievement of Sachin Tendulkar and articles condemning his obsession with records, it was perhaps the only line that explained the problem of “Being Sachin Tendulkar”.After 23 years of nonstop cricketing brilliance, thirty three thousand international runs and now a hundred international hundreds, the biggest facebook debate was“Now will Sachin Tendulkar retire?”True, the hundredth 100 has been a wait, a long excruciating wait. It has seen the entire English debacle and the Aussie drubbing, then it also signified that even a Great Man needs to earn his achievements.As he himself said after completing his epic ton "It's been a tough phase for me....because nobody talked about my 99 hundreds."The retirement of Rahul Dravid made it even tougher for this five feet someone. The entire country voiced – “It’s time to go…”Asia Cup, Flat pitch, small grounds, Bangladesh – the mocks gain voice because India has had enough of Sachin Tendulkar. For the last 23 years, India has seen him in the different versions of the Blue jersey and the transition from MRF to Adidas on his bat.India has had enough of a record junkie who went on turning nonsensical and almost insane records into reality. India has had enough of watching those old buckled pads, the helmet with the Indian flag, the customary stoop before taking stance, the look up to the heavens after a three figure score and the nod of acknowledgement after getting beaten by a good delivery.India made him God and now we Indians have had enough our God!Normal people don’t understand his super human records because as much as we love to revel with the victor, none of us knows what it’s like to score a hundred hundreds or be in the spotlight for two decades. But all of us do know the pain of disappointments and what it’s like to have a dream crushed. So a somber Rahul Dravid press conference or a dejected Ricky Ponting hits home more than the celebrations of a 39 year old, who keeps getting better like wine.We want him to retire but we still expect him to perform like “God” every time he walks into bat, which in way reveals the place he occupies in our hearts. Ironically, we still recognize the hold he has on our psyche, especially in the venom that we spit on him whenever he fails.The more we curse him, the more we express our need for him but we still curse him because that’s what needs to happen.Why?Because Sachin Tendulkar is the hero that India deserves but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him, curse him, mock at him, set the wagging tongues on him because HE can take it…Because HE’s not just a mere hero, he’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector - A Dark Knight.

Gary Potter!

Dear Gary,

After another meek surrender from the Indian team, as an Indian fan, I had to write this letter to you. I know you must be busy with your team taking on the Kiwis but you must have had an eye on how Team India, a team that you built had crumbled like a cookie over the last ten months!

After you left, the wheels have started to come off - the Poms and the Aussies humiliated us, Tendulkar can’t score a ton, Laxman can’t score in the second innings, The WALL castled repeatedly, Sehwag can’t get his uppercut over third man and most importantly MS Dhoni has lost his Midas touch.

Latest blow - our most beloved Yuvraj Singh sidelined with cancer.

But it’s the same team, Gary.

What was it Gary that you did? Was there a Magic wand? Why is our Magician Dhoni looking like a mere muggle who, forget winning matches, can’t even get the toss right?

You officially take over the reins on the 1^st of March, 2008. Your first full series in charge was against your home country, South Africa where we drew 1-1.

During your tenure, the team won a home series against Australia 2-0. Apart from clinching the Border-Gavaskar trophy, we also won the first bilateral series in Sri Lanka and our first One-Day International series victory against New Zealand in New Zealand after 40 years. India also won the Compaq Cup defeating Sri Lanka in 2009.

Most importantly Gary, You gave us the night of 2^nd April 2011!

You converted the Great Indian Dream into reality by choosing the resources smartly and used them cautiously. The nucleus of the side seemed nice and tight. You, with your support team, filled up the gaping holes in the bowling beautifully by an unlikely Munaf Patel and an IPL star R. Ashwin. The inclusion of the Kohlis and Rainas perked up the pace on the park.

Still, India began the tournament as an unsettled favorite, faltering and stumbling through the league phase. But it all changed after the first knock out night against the Aussies- India came out lean and mean. The Indian fielders dived and chased the ball to strangle the Aussies and while Yuvraj and Raina kept their cool in front of a large crowd at the Sardar Patel Stadium. After that we knew that India will go all the way. You made a struggling team stand up on its feet and took it all the way by beating Australia, Pakistan and Sri Lanka in a row.

India's World Cup glory was the result of proper planning and a collective effort from the unheralded Munaf Patel, the phoenix named Yuvraj Singh and from a “wounded” few left with an unfinished business from the Wanderers in 2003.

But for me, your biggest contribution was that you not only brought a sense of self-belief, also the calm and the trust in the dressing room that went missing during your predecessor’s era. You perhaps worked the hardest by delivering dossiers to a distracted Yuvraj and a thousand throw downs to a determined Tendulkar. You worked behind the scenes, followed the processes and kept a check on dressing room squabbles. Your calm face always gave us the feeling that All is well with our side!

Gary for me you were the real magician who turned this team into a world beating unit. You made this team the Numero Uno in all forms of the game.

Gary, you made Indians all over the world Bleed Blue…and boy we bled!

Today again we are bleeding, this time profusely – beaten and bruised. I know you left because of your family but aren’t we a part of it. Your family needs you Gary. Come back and make us smile again because you are the real magician……you’re our Gary Potter!

Blunder Down Under!

For once the Aussies would be thankful to the Poms!
Why?
Simple, in mid August 2011, the English knocked the stuffing out of the number one team in the world. England not only thrashed India 4-0, they also extracted all the confidence and fight out of MSD’s men. India tried their best to recover against the West Indies but the ghost of
England boarded the Quantus flight down under.
Defeats don’t hurt, after all it’s just a game and you are bound to lose games but what hurts is the way you lose. The way India has lost, rather surrendered, the last six away tests has left everyone
flabbergasted.
But is Team India such a bad side?
Definitely not…India has got the finest of personnel when it comes to the talent quotient. Our top five batsmen have scored more than even a few test squads put together. We have the most destructive wicketkeeper batsman post Adam Gilchrist era. Our bowling is a little susceptible but the experience of Zaheer Khan coupled with the pace prongs of Ishant and Yadav hould have been a handful.
Then why the World Champs are in such a state?
Confidence is the key word in cricket and Team India efinitely lack it at this stage. Every time a partnership develops or a bowler its a good spell, we are all back to the English Debacle. The famed opening air gets out to bizarre dabs and extravagant drives, the “haloed” middle order looks jittery, even “the Wall” seems to have a gate through it. The number six spot still up the grabs and our Captain Cool has lost his bearings and looks out of sorts. Ashwin looks more equipped with the bat rather than the cherry in hand. The pace attack this time has pace but lacks direction and tenacity and the lesser said about the fielding the better.
These reasons aside, what has hurt the fans the most is the lack of intensity and enthusiasm of the Indian side. The team looks flat and devoid of any aggression. There’s no clapping of hands, no cheering of bowlers and no spark of innovation in Captaincy. The deep mid wicket and deep
square leg are out but for some strange reason the 150kph plus speedsters abstain from bouncing the opponents. When the series started, experts said that this was India’s best chance to win a series down under but I guess with a series of blunders, India has literally gone down and under!
But as a true Blue Indian cricket fan, the heart still says, there’s still a fight back somewhere… May be it would be at Perth where we would get to sing….
"WACA WACA yayyy yayyy….”

2011…from the King to the Midget

2011…from the King to the Midget

The year that brought smiles to the faces of millions, left quite a few wrinkled eyebrows with its departure. The Melbourne test had sent down that same cold shudder that was felt a few months back in England.
The year though kicked off with the World Cup victory that brought an end to a long-awaited Indian dream that had been nurtured for the last two decades. Finally on the 2nd of April, the
yearnings were answered with a six by MS Dhoni over wide long on. The swish of his
flashing blade after the shot will remain as Dhoni's signature forever much like Kapil Dev's catch off Viv Richards in the 1983 final.
But what made India pull the World Cup out of Australia's grasp?
Short answer…Planning. If we carefully look at the series preceding the World Cup, we would see a stream of thought that headed towards picking the correct resources for the high profile
tournament. The resources were smartly chosen and sparingly used. The nucleus of the side seemed nice and tight. The gaping holes in the bowling line up were filled up beautifully by a Munaf Patel and Ravichandran Ashwin and the inclusion of the Kohlis and Rainas perked up the pace on the park. Still, India began the tournament as an unsettled favorite, hiccupping and struggling through their league phase. But it all changed after the first knock out night against the Aussies- India came out mean, lean and committed. The Indian fielders dived and chased the ball to squeeze out the runs and while chasing Yuvraj and Raina kept their cool in front of a large crowd at the Sardar Patel Stadium. After that one knew that India will go all the way.
India's World Cup glory was the result of proper planning and a collective effort from the unheralded Munaf Patel, the phoenix named Yuvraj Singh and from a “wounded” few left with an unfinished business from the Wanderers in 2003.
In the space of the next two months though the table turned and it turned hard. The World Champs of the shorter format and the Numero Uno in tests tasted bitter failure. India was shell shocked during the English Summer where the team failed to win a single game and got whipped 4-0 in both tests and ODIs.
What went wrong?
World Cup and IPL fatigue, not enough warm-up games, injuries, DRS, bad luck…
All of the above but still the real answer is - Planning, more than the English outplaying India, they out planned India. Except a resilient Rahul Dravid and a spirited Praveen Kumar, India look flat and out of steam. The best English batting line up in years took advantage and piled up the runs, handing the English a series victory after 1996. Many questioned India’s Number one status in tests but let me remind you at the beginning of 2011, India gritted out a 1-1 series in South Africa to validate their ranking. But again nothing succeeds like success, and India’s success overseas took a serious beating in England.
Melbourne was supposed to be India’s revival ground. A fit Zaheer Khan, a quick Umesh Yadav and an improved Ishant Sharma held the bowling attack in good stead. The hopes rose after a few rising Umesh bumpers hurled into Ricky Ponting’s helmet and Ed Cowan’s midriff. The hopes rose even higher as Sachin Tendulkar scorched the MCG green with his Upper Cuts and delicious drives but as they say old habits die hard. It all went pear shaped when Peter Siddle found the gap between the Maestro’s bat and pad. The moving ball removed the Indian middle order and polished off the tail. A test that India should have won… lost in three and a half days!
What next?
India might still pick themselves up against Australia, but the summer of 4-0 has unearthed some relevant conclusions. Against quality bowling in trying conditions, there still are vulnerable spots in the batting line-up. The inability of polishing of the tail thus handing good test averages to Broad, Swann, Siddle and Pattinson. Dropping important catches, MS Dhoni’s defensive
captaincy and batting form, Gautam Gambhir’s dismissals and of course losing the key moments in a test match.
2011…thus remains as a significant year for Indian cricket. It’s a year that made us the Kings of the shorter version, also has rung the alarm bells about our abilities in the Longer Format.
I hope someone’s listening….

Shit Happens!

27…yes guys, along with the heavy rains wishes poured in for my 27th birthday and just like the famed “nimno chaap” sweeping the state, I too felt a few chaaps up my ass.
They say that the teenage is the most confusing stage of life and if you can fight through that then the rest of your life is a smooth sail.
Whoever said this is a liar or died of drug overdose in his/her teens.
So my answer to that is Shut the F*** up…Smooth Sail……Even Captain Jack Sparrow can’t guarantee it!
If teenage is confusing, the mid twenties hurl you in the stranger tides of life and unresolved issues of Roti, Kapda and of course Ladki crop up their heads like mermaids.

So how does it feel like being 27?
When are you getting married?
Big boy, now you’re a man…time to take some decisions…
Time to settle down…man

Excerpts from a few birthday wishes that poured in with advices and questions for my future… words like DECISIONS, FUTURE, MAN and of course MARRIAGE made my heart skip well… quite a few beats and when you notice the streaks of grey hair adorn your “super cool” spikes the nimno chaap certainly becomes urdhogami! It becomes even weirder when you see a lot people of the same age who’s got it all figured out while you still fantasize about the Munnis, Shielas and the latest Jalebi Bais!
I really don’t know about others but my life has definitely not turned out to be the fairy tale that I once wished it would…in the past 27 years my RFT ratio hasn’t been admirable. I have screwed up more than I have got it right but again I have loved making those Miss-takes and they have only enriched my experience.
Of course, there are times when I completely hate my life and shout out - Ja Chudail at it, when my daddy also feels that am his biggest Gaalti, when my maan ka tanpura strings out the raga of frustration and makes me feel that my bheja is nothing but savage garden of useless crap but that’s perhaps is the fun of it…the more you try to sort it out, the more complicated it becomes.
Toh ab tera kya hoga re Kaaliya?????
Just accept that Shit happens when you’re on the wrong side of the twenties. Then you’re left with two options…
• Mature fast, get married and get it all figured out
OR
• Put on your earplugs, get READY for some kickass action, pick up whatever comes your way and keep running with your MP3 player screaming….Bhag bhag DK BOSE!!!!!!

Ghoroya Meye…

I had to write this after my longest season of biyebaris and marriage receptions came to an end finally. With most of my friends turning 26 and Facebook turning into the “My Wedding & My Honeymoon” album advertiser, our walls have turned into RIP stones!
Firstly, congratulations to all my friends who have taken this legendary decision to get married…I have tried to attend as many ceremonies as I could and to those which I gave a miss, my tummy thanks me for doing so.
Secondly, warning to all my friends who have been inspired by these “stupid acts” of the above mentioned friends. You guys have seen the entire process and I hope you would not like to go through this grind and if you still do, well what can I say, the Supreme Court has legalized Euthanasia…
Anyway, let’s concentrate on the topic.
While we were cruising through these tummy churning receptions, a common topic kept cropping up,

what kind of a girl slash man do we want to get married with?
This was a common question that was thrown open to all the bachelors and bachelorettes (I have learnt this term recently so I am going to spray it all over this post just to show off the prowess of my vocabulary!)
The Bachelorettes (there I go again) had a common answer
• Tall (the girl may be 4 feet something but her guy has to be a member of the six feet category)
• Moneyed (well, how else can he pay for her 12,689 pair of shoes)
• Settled abroad (for a few, a few despised it though)
• Stylish (Formals with a small tummy wearing GKB glasses, the geeky look)
• Classy (someone who will think dirty but won’t say it)
• Humorous (well well well…let’s not even get in there)
• Loving & Caring (God knows what that means?)
Basically, not men but “Super Men” with their undies inside their trousers.
The bachelors though stuck to one word that has done rounds of all the Bong biyebaris for ages and now has turned into a myth, “Ghoroya Meye”…
Whenever a bachelor (who is above 25 and is single with no action for months) is asked about his choice of bride, the answer would invariably be “oi ekta ghoroya meye holei holo…”
I had often stumbled upon this myth and finally took it on myself to find out what on earth is this Ghoroya Meye????? So in an one convenient afternoon I sat down to enlist the various characteristics of a Ghoroya Meye…my research was based on the random kakus and kakimas and pishimas who had wanted to hitch me with a Ghoroya Meye…So guys here I go….

• The Opening credits… “Bujhli…Meyeta r monta khub bhalo…” be sure, she isn’t good looking at all. So she’s already lost round 1 and doesn’t have a choice, she has to have a good heart.

• Next would be… “Meye ta thik ajkal kar meye der moto na…oisob choto choto jama kapor pore na” – she hasn’t got the figure to pull off a jeans, in fact the only pair of jeans she possesses is a mid rise that she wears up to her, well… has an ensemble of ill fitted Salwars and Chhapa Saris…doesn’t wax, has thicker whiskers than Nathulalji.

• Next Up… “Oi sob engreji medium e meyeder moto patash patash kore mukher upor kotha bole na….”- bad English, ZERO sense of humor, and she’s a very close cousin of Bappida… “Her Engleesh is definately going to hut (hurt) yeeeooor hut (heart)!”

• Next in line would be, “Darun gaan gaye…rabindra, nojrul, adhunik…” – Chhapa Sari, khopa e belful and harmonium clad! If her singing isn’t going to kill you, the scent of the belful will certainly do the honors!

• Aage…. "Porasuna te bhison bhalo, ebar para e kobita r potijogita te fast hoyeche…” – Madhyamik & UcchoMadhyamik from Nari Hatya Mandir, now Bangla Honors from Giribala Nari Uchhed College and “Fast” prize winner in the recitation competition organized by Potol Danga Thunder Club! (don’t even ask her which kobita she recited)

• Tarpor… “Khub lokkhi meye, gharer sob kaj pare, mane saradin to barite thake…” – run as fast as you can, she is a tailor made Kajer mashi who has done her PhD in Star Jalsha mega serials and with K series as her specialization! She will turn your life into hell complaining about your mom and will suspect you of cheating even if you talk to your age old friend who by some divine injustice is a girl!

Well there you go guys, I have given you a small guide at what is a Ghoroya Meye????
My advice, hook up with any bachelorette among your friends, try to please the boudis, conquer the Cougars but don’t fall into the trap known as the Ghoroya Meye but if you still think you want to go ahead, do it at your own peril, just don’t forget to send me the invite!

Disclaim“Her”
All characters and events in this post are fictitious and bear no resemblance to any bachelorette (once more) in real, but any resemblance to any bachelorette (love it) or married (living or dead), institution and event are purely “fun”- intentional and pun intended!